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Sunday, September 15, 2013

How to Get in the Friend Zone

Sometimes you really like a guy. Sometimes he really likes you too. But if you are like me and find a million and one reasons for not making it a thing, you will want him to stop liking you. In other words, you want him to 'friendzone' you. Okay, scratch that. You do not want a guy you like to friendzone you but it is way better than falling out completely.

Oh, and who said only men get friendzoned? Come on! That is the biggest fallacy out there right now. Girls get friendzoned too. It is just as painful but we are more mature about it. (Ahem)

Everyone talks about how to get out of the friend zone but I am here to tell you how you can get in. Here are a few things you could try. One or a combination of them will usually work. (Similarly, if you do not want to get into the friend zone, this is what you do not want to do.)


  • Tell him about all the men in your life who are itching to have you. This is regardless of whether they exist or not. Just make it believable. Make him see that you are selling like hot cakes and give him about five stories (made up or not) about men who have tried but not succeeded. Ensure you make him know that none of them will have you because of certain characteristics they have. It would make it all the more entertaining for you if he has some of these characteristics. His response will be priceless.
  • Be an online freak. Be a Twitter and Facebook addict. In addition, make sure more than half your followers and friends are male. The corollary to this is that 90% of your conversations will be with your male followers. Make sure they appear as authentic as possible, despite the fact you have never met half the men you are tweeting. This will paint a picture of a girl who simply does not want to be held down by a relationship. 
  • Reject any offer to buy you anything, edible or not. However, you have to be careful with this step. Refusal might be interpreted as playing hard to get. The thing about playing hard to get is that, depending on the recipient of the act, it could mean that you want him to try harder or move on. Pray that he is one to give up easily and move on. The moment you accept trinkets and chocolates, he believes he is paying for you in instalments. Refuse to be bought. 
  • Listen to his every woe. Listen to stories about his exploits. Listen to everything he tells you. Give him your time. Sooner or later, he will start giving you stories about the ladies he has been with and revealing his crushes. Before you know it, you will be his boy. He will get himself a girlfriend while you still offer him a shoulder to lean on and then proceed to tell you about his beautiful love life. Meanwhile, you will start to think that maybe you shouldn't have listened as much. If you are still not sure that he has really friendzoned you, wait for the day he will send you a picture of his girlfriend on WhatsApp. Yes, sweetheart, he has completely friendzoned you, to that extent. You are now a fully-fledged bro, one who can offer an opinion on whether he picked the right and eye-pleasing apple in the garden. 
  • Be the girl who lets him call you pet names from the word go. Reciprocate with the expected honey and sweetie. Eventually, it will dawn on him that that is as far as it will go. No sane girl just accepts pet names out of the blue. Unless, of course, she calls every Tom, Dick and Harry sugar, pumpkin and darling respectively.
  • Start a blog like this one and keep hinting at him. He may never get the message but the very fact that you blog ensures that he never entertains the thought of a relationship with you for obvious reasons. He may find his name all over the Internet the next day after you write a post about him, complete with a picture and a compelling case of how he slapped a defenceless woman such as yourself. 
  • If all these fail, you can now go for the jugular. Tell him to his face. You are like my brother from another mother. The worst that can happen is that he will cease talking to you. The next thing is the friend zone. And that is exactly what you want right now. 
The friend zone is a necessary evil. If it did not exist, then it would be a chaotic world with everyone liking everyone at the same time. Friendzone the right people and make sure the right people friendzone you. Then pray these people are the same people. If you are going to follow through with this messy business, be sure you want it. There is no going back on the friend zone. Once you are friendzoned, that's it, no matter how many movies you watch that claim otherwise. 



Made of Honor. Only happens in the movies.
Only happens in the movies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am an expert at getting friendzoned so you can be assured that, for once, I am writing from experience. I used to believe the friend zone did not exist. That it is just some mythical thing men conjured up in their brains as an excuse for not winning over girls. I now know better.You cannot say that and in the same breath claim that platonic relationships exist. The friend zone should not be confused with a friendship that clearly has a lot of unspoken vibes holding it together. You will have to be a friend before you are any other thing anyway. Now it is up to you to figure out where you want to be found in the jungle of friend zones.