Let's get right to it:
- I like it. Maybe I don’t. The bottom line is I have deluded myself to believe that I like it. It is much better than crying over some stupid thing (and boy can I cry over stupid things, behind a closed door, in the dark, under covers.) I do not want to be hurt. More importantly, I do not want to hurt someone.
- I am waiting. I still feel I am too young to fret over being single. Furthermore, I listen to too many songs and poems that tell me it is actually preferable to stay this way. So yeah, I blame Lecrae and Janette...ikz for writing ‘Like That’ and “I will wait for you’ respectively.
- ‘Shiku, socialize, don’t specialize.” Words from my mum way back in high school. I guess it stuck. I want to hang out with different male friends at different levels and sort of study them (wrong choice of word). The downside of this ‘wise’ move is that I now have friends who refer to me as one of their boys. Sigh. I can live with that.
- Maybe I never really got over someone somewhere. Let me not get into the details of that story.
- I never find the right guy. Yeah, I know you will go all ‘Shiku, there is no right guy’ on me. Sweetie, there is a right guy. If there wasn’t, we would get hitched to the first person of the opposite sex who shows interest. So I am yet to find him. Maybe one of my male friends will be the right guy someday but not today.
- I do not want baggage. Basically, I am a selfish little girl like I stated a year ago in this post here. I have this notion that if I decided to be committed to someone right now, I’d probably not give my all to my studies. Wrong notion, I know. What makes me think that when I get a full-time job, it will be easier to concentrate on both my job and my family if that is the reasoning I employ right now? All the same, that is me now. I want, no, I need to focus.
- Men do not want what I want. I know relationships are about compromise. I do not want to compromise right now. I am not going to cave in to what a man asks simply because I am in some love trance. This is a corollary to the fact that I have this weird bad-boy syndrome. I tend to fall for bad boys (relative term) faster than good boys when, all the while, I know we cannot be together, ever. If I said yes to one, he would obviously demand something I cannot give right now. So I’d rather be on my own until I figure out a way to stay put till the day a good man will present himself.
- I have set standards that are too high for my own good. It is a result of all these factors stated herein. I have convinced myself that I will not settle for less because I have a list. Oh yes, I have a list in my head.
- I think too much. I have a war in my brain. A war between pleasing everyone else around me with the boyfriend I choose or simply doing it for me. I am not that selfish after all. I may find someone who makes me happy but does not make my parents happy. (As if to drive this point home, mum just called as I was typing this very sentence. Second time she’s called today. Need I say more?) I rationalize too much. This is exactly what I am doing with this list right here.
- Though I rarely admit this, I have watched too many movies; too many fairy tales that fill all the wrong ideas in my head. Like I will go riding on a bus and meet my future husband just like that (Adjustment Bureau really got into my head).
I am done.